One of the nicest things about the social dance community is that people are warm and welcoming. 90% of the chances are when you ask someone to dance, they will say yes, whether they are beginners, intermediate, advanced or a pro. You may even feel under pressure to be polite and say “yes” to every dance invitation. However I’d like to argue that declining invitations can sometimes be appropriate and necessary.
Valid Reasons to Say “No”
To start off, I want to give you a list of reasons to decline that are completely reasonable and valid. This is to encourage people who feel like they don’t have a right to say no even if they truly want to. Valid reasons to say no are:
- You are tired and need a break.
- You can’t enjoy the song with anyone because you hate it.
- You already promised the next dance to someone else.
- The person asking you creeps you out. You feel uncomfortable around them and you don’t like them.
- The person smells bad consistently at every party (Read about hygiene tips for social dance so you don’t make the mistake yourself!)
- During the dance, they push/pull/grab you uncomfortably.
- The way they dance with you is often more sensual than what you feel comfortable with.
- They are a “heavy follower” and make your shoulders/arms hurt.
- They throw themselves into dangerous dance moves and expect you to save them.
- And more
If you consistently encounter problems with someone, it’s worth protecting yourself from future negative experiences. The keyword here is “consistently” – you can always give someone the benefit of the doubt after one bad dance. However, if you experience the same problems 3 or more times, it’s time to start declining invites.
When someone’s lack of skills makes dancing uncomfortable, I would give them 6 months to train and improve. I would then dance with them again to see if they have become a better dancer over time. As a follower, I have experienced leads leveling up in my scene pretty quickly, so never write people off based on their dance skills only. With personality and hygiene problems it’s a bit tricky, since that isn’t taught in dance classes. However people can change a lot in a year.
The Importance of Declining Invitations
In my eyes, saying no means taking control of your experience. You don’t have to be at the mercy of others “deciding over your faith” and you have a choice about what kind of experience you want to have. Take back control by asking people you would like to dance with and declining people with a high chance of being uncomfortable partners.
Remember that you have a right to protect yourself from negative experiences. Sure, you can’t avoid them completely. However, if you consistently experience uncomfortable dances with someone, it’s not their fault for ruining the vibe. Instead, it’s yours, because you keep dancing with them!
We all have the right to choose who touches our bodies and who doesn’t. It’s also up to us to set boundaries on how people can touch us, where, when, for how long etc. Same rules apply to dance. It is important to honor our physical boundaries by saying no. If there’s a person you wouldn’t just randomly let massage your shoulders, why let them dance sensual bachata with you?
I often see physical boundaries violated at social dance parties. Therefore, it’s worth checking in with yourself about what you are comfortable with. If you’re a follower I touch on the subject of boundaries in depth in another article of mine.
Is It Rude to Refuse a Dance?
I think we are well aware of whether something makes us uncomfortable, but we often don’t do anything about it. We fear that we may come across as a bad person for saying no. I want to assure you that if you decline the invitation with a kind smile and “No, thank you!”, you are not being rude. You are especially kind if you add an honest explanation like “I’m just so tired right now/I hate this song. Can we dance later?”
If you don’t want to dance with the person later, you can give a simple “no, thanks” with a smile. The recipient will feel hurt momentarily, but I want you to see the long term benefits of that.
The person getting multiple no’s will have a chance to be introspective and analyze why they are rejected. They might start being more diligent with their hygiene or consider taking a private class to address dance skill issues. If they work on themselves, they have a chance of becoming a pleasant dance partner to everyone (including you) and contributing to an enjoyable atmosphere in the future. It’s tough love when you think about it!
Also, you will be in a better mood for the rest of the party, having avoided an uncomfortable dance. In turn, all of your dance partners will experience the best version of you and be more likely to invite you for a dance again in the future.
Consequences of Saying Yes When You Really Mean No
What happens when you say yes to people you don’t really want to dance with? First, you’re going to have a poor dance. After that your mood might dip and it’s more difficult to dance joyfully with your next partner, even if they are not an awful dancer. You eventually start giving off vibes that you’re in a bad mood, which discourages people from inviting you to dance, including the better dancers. After returning home you may feel like the party overall wasn’t very enjoyable.
There will be good parties and bad parties. You will feel like it’s a lottery and out of your control whether you have a good time or not. When you keep doing that long enough, at every party, negative feelings and resentment accumulate, until one day you explode. You will feel like the whole dance community sucks and you never want to dance again. And we will lose a great community member.
It really comes down to longevity. If you want to dance for many years and enjoy yourself, you must take control of your experience. There is rarely a room full of flawless dancers at every event, so you have to set some boundaries. Being the “nice person” for too long will lead to emotional burnout.
Summary
To summarize, you have the right to decline dance invitations, whatever your reason might be. By choosing whom to dance with, you take control of your experience at the party. You protect yourself, keep your mood light and create pleasant experiences for yourself and your dance partners. In order to avoid burnout and unnecessary quitting in the future, it is essential. Saying no does not make you an unkind person if you turn down an invitation politely. In addition, it might have long-term positive effects on both you and the person you said no to.
I have an article where I mention how the tango community handles invitations and declines. It’s done very discreetly, avoiding a messy situation. Give it a read if you’re interested!
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